I write paragraphs then erase them so you can only assume something isn’t right. I need to stop building myself up and tearing myself down. I think I need a journal but I don’t even know what I would write. I think it would be healthy way for me to express my thoughts. Maybe I’ll write poetry. Maybe I’ll stop writing down things that come to my head and focus on one thing. I like the feel of November more than October. October just kind of pisses me off. I wish I could just sell all my paintings for thousands of dollars and drop out of school sometimes. I want to go to Europe again and I think I will. Maybe I won’t come back. Maybe I would be okay with that. Maybe I’ll go to bed now. Maybe I am feeling a sickly feeling that I wish I didn’t feel right now. Maybe I should try to make new friends. Maybe I really am trying. People don’t feel like I do about things. Thinking about all the people in the world makes me realize none of us actually matter. We won’t be able to change the world because too many of us are afraid to try so we follow the crowd and let the media control us.
I need to sleep
Let’s just watch movies and sleep until we have to talk to each other.
I want to have some lucid dreams so I might start keeping a dream journal. I’m almost two weeks sober so there’s an accomplishment, but who’s counting?
For some reason the present doesn’t feel like the present anymore. Like yea it’s happening now but it feels so distant. I feel like I’m distant from who I once was, and I miss it. I don’t know if change will make me feel like I used to but I wish I could be like I was before.
I also feel the need to workout. Like I feel unhealthy. So no more eating one giant midday meal. So my goal is to work out 45 minutes when I get home tomorrow. If I still can. I also want to study better than I have been lately. And I would like to spend more time with people instead of distancing myself. I’m trying to say yes to more things, try some new things, I want to be a person that I can say I’m proud to be. I’m also going to try and manage my money better, think things through. I am ready to be me.
During the month of August, artists Kamea Hadar and Defer collaborated on murals and a show in San Francisco, California called “Paradise Lost,” an ongoing project between the duo. The show will be on display until Friday, August 29th at 1st Amendment Gallery in San Francisco. Kamea and Defer also completed two epic murals in the city. The excellent completed pieces as well as shots of the work in progress can be seen above and below!